Production ASS
Yesterday, as I was pulling on my socks, bemoaning yet another day in front of a computer, transcribing interviews of Savannahites speaking in ludicrous detail about dead women, I received a phone call from my dear friend and soon-to-be-divorcee, Jamie Hawkins-Gaar, asking if I would be interested in being a Production Assistant for some shoot. I gladly agreed and was put in touch with the production manager who thanked me profusely and then was all like “GET HERE QUICK!>!>!>!>!>!>!>!”
So I rush to the shoot and then blam, the first task is to wash one of my bosses’s windshield. How you gonna be all like “Get here quick, our PAs dropped out and we’re in desperate need” and I’m gonna rush over there and then you’re like “Oh wash my windshield.” I’m not complaining. I was happy to get paid and be on a shoot but, seriously guys, come on. The first day was mostly grunt work like getting lunch for people and picking up supplies but towards the end of the day, I was drafted to help the art department replant a flower bed so that it looked prettier.
For those of you who don’t know, everything you’ve ever seen on TV or in movies is a lie and was prettied up by an art department. In reality, the world is ugly. Here, this is how an art department works.
AFTER ART DEPARTMENT
BEFORE ART DEPARTMENT
As you can see, the art department added pretty things and removed the ugly things. Good job guys!
Anyways, our task was to replant a flower bed at this cancer facility that we were doing the piece on. The only problem was that in order for it to look good on camera, we had to plant the flowers far too close together for them to have any chance to survive. So imagine my chagrin when all these cancer patients were all like “Oh thank you so much! It looks so beautiful” and me having to be all like “Oh thank you!” because you can’t tell a cancer patient “All of these flowers are going to die.” It’s too sad.
Anyways, the next day was fucking hell. I was out of the house at 6am and didn’t get back until 9pm. BUT, I met a shit ton of legitimate, WORKING industry types. I still had alot of grunt work but at least I got to touch a few C-stands. Plus I got to use all of the things I learned in film school, like setting up tables and carrying sandbags. Also, I had to wash the ends of a bunch of plastic flowers so we could return them but then, it turned out, there was another shot outside so we had to stick all the flowers back in the dirt.
So yeah, basically, this job was par for the course with everything else that’s ever happened to me, so I guess I’m not particularly bummed or excited about it. Hopefully, these people will call me again sometime and ask me to work again, or they’ll just find this blog post, get offended, and delete my number from their phones.
